Still great.

Even though I’m sunburned and it’s really painful. Even though my finger is still broken. Even though I’m recovering from dehydration. Today was really awesome. I don’t know why. Nothing happened. I slept till 1 pm. I sat in my room and played mario and applied for a few jobs I don’t even want to get. And once again I have to do dishes cause no one else in this house will. I’m hopeful and optimistic. My future seems bright. Getting there is gonna be tough but I know it’ll be worth it and I know everything will work out for the best. I’m not way bummed about high school being done anymore because I realize there’s still college. There’s bigger and better things and I don’t want to be hung up on missing high school anymore. I still need to get over my fear of the real world but I’m sure once I’m out there and livin it everything will be okay.

Things I can’t get off my mind. Rant.

I always knew this day would come. Graduating from high school was bound to happen. I’m already bored out of my mind and I miss classrooms and teachers. I’m totally stuck. I really have no idea what to do with the rest of my life. I want to go straight to college but I have no money at all. No scholarships, no rich family members that’ll give me a free ride. I don’t even know how to get a job. I feel like I’ll never find one cause people far more qualified for work than me are out of work. How do I even start? Where do I go from here? Im so frustrated. I thought when I got to this point everything would be all worked out and I would have a plan but really I have nothing.

I’m so used to living in the moment and enjoying my life. Having to think about the future and grow up and take responsibility is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I wish i didn’t waste my high school years. Not that it was a complete waste, I mean I had so much good times in school. But now all my friends are gone and they all I have plans and ideas and talents. I feel like I’ve been left behind in the dust.

Growing up scares the crap out of me. I don’t even know how to do it. Everyone makes it look so easy but I’m really struggling. Things are going to change so much so fast and I like the life I have right now. Sure there’s little things that’ll be better but I like being close with my dad and sister. I like having lots of personal time. I like having privacy. I like not having to set up a financial plan. I’m scared of what it’s like out there in real world. I feel like I’ve been living in my own little world for my whole life and I’m being forced to live the American life.

Everyone out there seems so upset. When I see adults in the streets they always seem so grumpy and like they hate their lives. I dont want to be like them. Don’t want to get stuck in a life I hate working a job that sucks my whole life. I want to enjoy this one life I have. The things I want to do most aren’t very good paying jobs, like I want to be a professional dancer I always have my whole life it’s my most favorite thing ever. Also I really enjoy doing art but I really don’t think I have enough talent and skills to make nearly enough money to live off of it. I know I need to go to college but I don’t know how to get there.

I really should’ve planned ahead so much better than this. If I would’ve stayed at kearns all through high school I could’ve been big time in the dance department, which is amazing by the way. I’m going to miss that department so much. Michelle and Trish are my favorite dance teachers ever besides Donna cause I grew up with her and thought of her as a great friend. I want another year. I want to be on dance company and get scholarships. It all happened so fast and there’s no going back now.

Did I not think once about my future when I quit my job at K-mart after 3 months? I was 16 and being way dumb and irresponsible. It looks so bad for my reputation that one day I was just like “uh, I don’t feel like going to work today I hate that place, I’m going to quit”. What was going through my head when I was in junior high and got caught stealing pills from Harmons? What about when I got caught stealing worthless junk at Wal-Mart? Did I think I deserved the stuff I stole? I’ve stolen so much stuff its ridiculous, probly over a thousand dollars worth of stuff I’ve taken. Here’s the kicker, none of it is of any use to me. Not one thing I stole did I ever need. I don’t even remember any of the stuff. I was just bored. 

Its finally here

Yup =) the last few days of school.

Senior Ball Saturday, I’m way excited and I hope it doesn’t blow.
Sushi Sunday with my aunt. I can’t wait to finally spend time with family. I don’t see anyone besides my dad and sister nearly enough. Not only that but she’s way cool and I’m excited to finally get to know her.

Dance all next week. I can’t wait for the concert and assembly. But really I’m extremely sad this will be my last one with this company. I love the kearns high dance department so much. Michelle Player is truely amazing and I really just wish I would’ve stayed at kearns and joined dance company when I had the chance.

Graduation on the 4th. I’m actually not looking forward to this one. I have no idea what I’m gonna do after high school. I have no job no scholorships, no idea as to what I wanna do with my life. I can never decide.

So that’s about it. Also it took me about twice as long to type this out cos I can’t use my index finger which is actually a lot more inconvenient that I would’ve thought. Just so you know.

Internet Fail

So I don’t know whats going on but my computer will absolutely not connect me to important websites. Ones that will help me get a job or go to school are out of the question. But all and any of the useless junk I could ever want to look at is readily available. Its really impeding my progress.                                                                                      I

Today.

Four hours of sleep. A terrible tummy ache. But somehow perfectly content. The only thing I want to do today is bake and decorate a cake. I want to play with fondant and build up some skillz. But of course I have zero supplies which totally sucks. So I guess I’ll just have to sit here and pretend I’m making lovely pastry creations.

Yesterday

So when I awoke on Friday, February 26, 2010 I was pretty sure I was in for a really uninteresting lazy day of nothing. I’m so glad I was wrong. My morning started with being offered a ride by a complete stranger who claimed to be going to the seminary building and I could trust her. She tried so hard to get me in her car but I wasn’t having any of that.

When I got home from school my house was smokey and smelt like burned plastic. I spent about 20 minutes with Shaun looking for something burning. Turns out there was an electrical fire started by a surge protector and a giant safety award flashlight.

Oh! And I finally got in touch with the guy from the Art Institutes after hours of phone tag and had a really exciting talk. I can’t wait for the open house on the 6th. Even if I can’t afford to go there yet its gonna be great to scope it out.

Later that night I went to Chris’s house with Shaun and was totally bored out of my mind and completely awkward for about 4 hours. But something came over me after hours of prodding and pushing. I started running around talking to everyone and arm wrestling competitions commenced. I couldn’t remember more than five names at a time which I ended up getting a lot of shit for. I beat everyone up. I don’t know what came over me last night but man I really couldn’t get myself to stop talking.Oh yeah and I got a really Sw33T phone call from an old friend that completely made my day.

Reminiscing

This evening I went through my very old photobucket. I’ve seen things I forgot about, things that made me choke, things that made me want to vomit, things I could never forget, and most of all things I miss far too much for comfort. I don’t know how I used to take myself seriously. I was so freaking hardcore.

Hahaha oh my goodness! I just found this. I had to have been thee coolest kid in junior high. How embarrassing it is that I actually thought it was a good idea to look like that.

So after much consideration I’ve decided I want a friend that’s a girl. I don’t have one. I have acquaintances. I want someone of my gender to spend time with. I used to have this and took it for granted. I really do miss those days. It used to be so easy before my social anxiety decided to run my life for me. I want to take it over but its proving to be a difficult task. It seems like as soon as I meet a really awesome girl I freak out and scare them off or I get scared and get out of it. It is really a sucky situation. I don’t even know where to start. I feel like everyone’s too good for me. People everywhere I go have friends and people to, you know, just do stuff with. I want a fun girl type friend to do stuff with too. I feel left out of the fun. I mean don’t get me wrong my boyfriend is awesome and I love doing stuff with him but I want someone that isn’t such a boy. Jeez, I’m needy.

The one where I sound like an awful bitch.

I mean I guess maybe I get upset too easily. I need some input from someone. My boyfriend made this friend at work and ended up getting her number and becoming text buddies or something. Oh yeah and I have this problem where I’m really invasive and I go through his stuff far more than I should. While he was sleeping on me I read his messages and he was talking to her all cute and fun. He sent her flirty fun messages and I got thee most sick horrible feeling in my stomach. And I was like wait why don’t I get this long of messages, I get a lot of one word ones. It was all smiles and teasing. I ended up having a panic attack and crying a whole bunch. But I didn’t tell him the reason why. I got more curious and looked at her facebook. Turns out shes this super hot model and my stomach sank again. Fuck. I don’t know if it’s something I should actually be upset about cause there just friends right? Right!? I don’t know if I say something or just try to get over it or what. I really need a second opinion. I know I shouldn’t go through his stuff but I can’t help it sometimes. I’m super jealous and totally freaking out right now. God, I just wish I could feel pretty and confident but I just feel like trash. This is really awful. I feel completely inadequate. PLZ help?

I have a strong desire for m&ms. It’s really deeply seeded in my mind, tongue, and belly. I can’t believe the machines at school don’t carry them. Instead they have chewy runts. Chewy runts are disgusting. I’ve been craving m&ms for three or four days now. I don’t know why it is but I feel like I need them. Nothing else is satisfying me as much as m&ms will.

Hahaha. Oh man. I love this.

Is a sanitary house too much to ask for?

Apparently so, I cant do anything without getting covered in hair. And why is kitchen counter covered in knives and pills? Its a good thing small children never come to this place. They would be coughing up hairballs and covered in puncture wounds in no time. It never fails to surprise or disgust me when I actually look at the various filth on the appliances. Is humiliating really. I’m so sorry for any visitors that ever enter this house. At this point it would be so much easier to just start over and get a whole new house than to ever endure the vast number of hours it would take to rid this place of all grime, goo, and filth. I guess I better get started…

Dear computer

Its really irritating when you tell me your done loading the page when its clearly not. I know you are lying to me. You can’t fool me so please stop trying.

Caught between reality and dreamland.

Last night was the most confusing, unsure sleep of my life. I dreamed of myself sleeping in my bed a very restless and uncomfertable sleep. Shaun materialized in my bed. This made matters worse. I couldn’t get comfy at all. I pushed, I whined, I longed for rest. This is when I realized that I was infact only dreaming. In my dream I sat up and looked to make sure shaun was there, surely he was. I then woke up in reality and he was gone. This continued for some time until my whole idea of reality got twisted and crumpled. Once I made it past this section of my night I was tossed into a dream of me and my family moving. It was a huge very old house we planned on moving into. The location of my bedroom was the basement. It was large and long. A bed and a tv, I went to sleep promptly. I awoke to find myself surrounded by people. The whole place was crawling with people. I explored the house some more, it continuously grew. I cautiously entered a little bedroom up high. In the center of this room was a toilet. Not a regular one. Just a circle no lid. I threw up this strange material that not only went everywhere but appeared to be floating above the floor. Some chick came in shortly after I got cleaned up and threw up the material as well. She murmered something about the extacy causing illness and I was like “no I don’t do e.” I opened my phone and when I looked up from it I found I had been transported to the backyard. Sitting in the corner of the yard, nothing in focus but the light from my phone. I found myself being closed in on by some sort of mangy beast. I was sure it was the end for me. But just before the attack I once again materialized elsewhere, this time in the most beautiful front yard I have ever experienced. There were tons of people running around all on drugs. I noticed on the hill adjacent to the yard there were undercover cop cars trying to sneak up on this party. I tryed to tell everyone but nobody could hear me. And in little to no time the cops were raiding everyone. On the ground I was seperated, I knew shaun was here but I didn’t know what his intentions were, this made me nervous. As quickly as it started, it had ended. Appearently this cops didn’t give a fuck and let everyone off the hook for some chicks who were down for oral. Everyone watched and it was hidious. This is the short story version. It really was the longest night ever.